How To Stay Awake Forever.

I get asked all the time, “How do you function on so little sleep?” The answer is a shitload of coffee. Coffee!!! Now I’m very particular when it comes to my coffee. Im kind of a snob actually. I used to go to Dunkins every single day but I quit that because, frankly, Dunkin Donuts pretty much sucks butts now. Maybe it’s because there is literally 17 DD’s on every block and they don’t care about quality because people are going to buy their shitty coffee anyways. And don’t think I’m going to Starbucks because I’m not a basic bitch. So I figured its up to me to brew that perfect cup of joe.

Personally, I’m an iced coffee kind of guy and the new thing on the street is something called cold brew. So I went to my local coffee joint and ordered one. It was 5 fuckin dollars!!! For a small!!! First of all, I don’t drink small coffee and second of all just because it takes a long time to make and has a million times the caffeine doesn’t make it worth 5 bucks. Buuut it is very tasty. So Im gonna tell you how to be a baller on a budget and make your own delicious cold brew.

I was recently on vacation with the fam and some friends and we went in to this little beanery. Ya I called it a beanery. They had this cold brew set up that looked like a chem lab that would make Walter White jealous. It was very cool. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to a high school chemistry class supply room and I’m certainly not buying a cold brew maker. So Im using shit I have in the kitchen…And you can too.

You are going to need 2 pitchers, a measuring cup, a wire colander, a thin mesh filter like the ones in coffee makers, light roast coarse ground coffee, and 24 hours of your life.img_1335

Step one…

Get yourself some coffee. Try to stick with a lighter coffee. Dark coffee tastes too acidic and bitter. The long brewing process will bring out all the goodness and flavor of the light stuff so don’t worry. And make sure its coarse ground too. Just because.

Step two…

You’re gonna need the gallon pitcher and seven cups of water. Now I like to use organic, non-gmo, vegan, gluten free water that is made up of no more than two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom collected through reverse osmosis. But you can use toilet water for all I care just make sure its cold.  Dump half of the coffee in the pitcher and add three cups of water and give that stuff a good stir. Make sure it mixes up completely. Add the rest of the coffee and the remaining water. Mix it up bro.

Make sure its mixed up nice

Step three…

Put it in the fridge for 24 hours. You might have to give it a stir in an hour or two because if the coffee isn’t completely saturated it will float and won’t steep right.

Things you need for the straining process

Step four…

Take that shit out of the fridge. Now the foam on the top looks tempting to try, but trust me, do not try it. It tastes terrible.

Do not taste the foam. Its not good.

Strain the mixture through a wire colander into the second pitcher. This takes a little while to get every last drop but its worth it. It’s important not to squeeze the water out of the grounds because you will squeeze all the acidity and other stuff you don’t want in your sweet nectar. Once you are satisfied with what you have, throw the grounds in the garbage. Then strain the coffee through the thin mesh filter. I filter it at least 3 times to get as much shit out as I can. I also like to stick it in back in the fridge and let it sit for an hour. There will be some fine sediment that settles on the bottom of the pitcher so I transfer the coffee into the other pitcher leaving the silt.

Yucky stuff
Yucky stuff

So there you have it. Thats how you do it. Thats why it costs $5 at a coffee shop. Now keep in mind that this is a concentrate and you should definitely cut it with water or baileys or kahlua or whiskey or whatever because if you drink it straight you brain will get itchy and your heart will explode. Thats my disclaimer.

Good stuff
Good stuff

1 thought on “How To Stay Awake Forever.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *