Last week Teddy had a hell of a diaper rash. It was really terrible. I felt bad putting a diaper on him so I would just let him cruise around with no diaper on. And really, who doesn’t love walking around with no pants on. Im cleaning up his books when I hear his grunting behind me. Teddy was shitting on the floor. He takes like four or five dumps a day, and you can pretty much set your watch by when these dumps take place. So I thought I was good for a while but I was totally wrong. Luckily, it was a pretty solid turd. And good thing too because he shit on the carpet.
I think its funny when you see videos of dads trying to handle shitty diapers and almost puking all over the place. Because honestly, baby shit isnt really that gross. I don’t find it to be anyways. It might be because growing up my parents fostered a whole bunch of kids and a lot of those kids were in diapers. So the older kids would usually help out my mom changing diapers that needed to be changed. There was even this one kid that smeared his poop all over the place on the regular. Thats where I drew the line though. There was no way I was ever dealing with that.
Which brings me to why Im writing about poop. Baby poop is a very weird thing. As your baby gets older, the more different their poop gets. Starting with the very first shit your little bundle of joy takes. And depending on how old your baby is, their poop could be pretty useful.
Brand newborn baby dookie is probably the most useful. It is basically the equivalent of the “as seen on tv” Flex Seal. Its black, you need a chisel and a power washer to clean it off your babies sweet cheeks, and you can also use it to patch a leaky pipe or repair a crack in your home’s foundation. So all you owners of newborns, stock up now. That way you save yourself $19.99 plus s+h and processing fees.
After all that gunk is out of baby’s system, their poop turns “mustardy” and “seedy”. Which is really weird. Why the hell are there seeds in their poop? They drink boob milk, or formula. Im no dairy farmer, but Im pretty sure there are no seeds in milk. It looks worse than it really is though. It doesn’t really stink yet which I think help takes the overall grossness factor down a couple clicks. I heard that the “seeds” can be dried and ground into a powder. The powder can then be made into an age reversing facial creme which all the biggest Hollywood stars are using. So save those seeds or you’re literally throwing money in the diaper pail.
After your kid starts eating actual food is when things start getting interesting. Their shit starts to stink and blowouts become more frequent. A lot more frequent. There were two separate occasions in less than a week where Teddy took a dumparoo. Thats when he has a blowout up his back and because he’s jumping in his jumparoo, the shit makes its way all the way to his shoulders. Thats a level 10 code red situation and the only thing you can do is saran wrap the room Dexter style, cut off any clothes and burn them immediately. This is the kind of poop that is ok to be grossed out by. Cant do anything with that stuff.
Eventually, when they get a couple teeth and its ok for the kid to start eating veggies, fruits and other solids as well as drinking water, poop becomes much, much easier to deal with. Its usually pretty solid which it easy to clean, but it does start to smell like grown up dumps. And this is the stage where Teddy is at. He eats, he poops. He eats, he poops. I guess the food doesn’t have very far to travel from entrance to exit, so expect to see chunks of carrots and other foods in their diaper. But if you take this poop and plant it in your garden, you will have fresh, organic veggies come the harvest. You can also mold it into veggie burger patties to serve at your next bbq. That is what they are made of, right?
Now guys, if you’ve managed to make it to this point of this shitty post, I hope you know that poop is in fact useless and actually can’t be used for home improvements or facial treatments or any of that. Because if you were about to go and harvest the seeds out of your babys shit, you probably have dirty diapers for brains. But really, changing shit covered babies isn’t all that bad. You get used to it pretty quickly. Just today I picked up a small turd that happened to roll out of Teddys diaper with my bare hand. Didnt even think about it…and now can’t remember if I washed my hands or not. Besides, I can guarantee that what comes out of your bumble on a daily basis is a bazillion times worse than what ends up in your kids Pampers. So Dads, make sure you help out when it comes to changing diapers. Even the really gross ones. Who knows, if you make it long enough in this world, your kid could be changing your diapers one day. Im gonna go wash my hands. And clean my keyboard.
p.s. If somehow that facial creme thing actually turns out to be a real thing, I want credit.